Crossing the Line
by Neva
Summary: Set near the end of Growing Pains. As Scott waits for Xavier to wake up, he comes to a realization that could change everything. No slash.


A/N: I know, I know, I've probably said enough about both the soccer game incident and how it triggered my foremost theory about a certain one-eyed leader. Said theory has nothing to do with who he'd like to sleep with, even though there's some implied Scott/Jean in here. I'm writing it while I decide what to do with Bright Darkness, a story I've been having serious problems with.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men: Evo characters. Surprise, surprise.  
  
It seems like we've been sitting here for hours. The professor is in the next room, asleep... or unconscious... or something. Am I worried for him? Yes, of course I am. But there's another part of me, which I think about silencing before realizing that he isn't awake to hear it, that says that maybe it serves him right, especially if he is okay. Which he must be.  
  
_Serves him right? Why would it serve him right?   
  
_But I already know.  
  
On Asteroid M, after Alex and I had come out of that bizarre machine, the professor said to me, There is a line, Scott, and you just crossed it. I'm aware of that. I'm aware that I messed up and nearly cost everyone their lives before I saved them. And I could easily have blamed Magneto for this screwup, but I've never been one fo point fingers. If I crossed the line, I was the one to have done so. Nobody else.  
  
And it's the same case here.  
  
Alvers was an idiot to have told everyone like that, but for the first time that I can remember, I know how he feels.   
  
It seems like ages ago, instead of a matter of hours, that I deflected that car accident. And I still don't think that I did anything wrong. I still stand by what I said before: if the professor wants us to use our powers to help people, then that's what we should do. And if he wants to live peacefully with humans, if he wants them to see us as equals, then he should do the same for them.   
  
It's never occurred to me not to trust him. After the plane crash, I thought that I must have died along with my parents and Alex, and that the foster home I got stuck in was hell. When he found me, I had begun to believe that anything would be better. And it was, for a while. We were treated like the powers that we'd have to live with for the rest of our lives made us special. We were told that we had potential to make a difference in the world. As the fearless leader, I was able to believe that I was important, and had something to live for. With my sunglasses, I was able to open my eyes without hurting people, but in the way that mattered most, they were still shut.  
  
And they've been shut ever since. Tonight, though, I opened them for a little while, and not only did I almost understand how Lance felt, I sympathized with the too.   
  
I've suspected this for a long time. But because I always trusted him, I never said it aloud, whether it was because nobody would believe me or, probably, because I didn't want to believe it myself. I still don't, because if it's true, we're in trouble whether I tell anyone or not.   
  
My parents' death ruled my dreams for years, but lately, other nightmares have come to take their place. The usual ones about losing a battle, losing my new family just like I lost my old one. Visions of being chased down a long, door-lined tunnel, with voices whispering in my ear. (That sounds corny as hell, doesn't it? Like something out of a Stephen King book.) In the worst dreams, I'm looking in the mirror to see a face I don't recognize, or worse, one that I'm beginning to recognize all too well.  
  
There are other things, too. Doubts, worries, thoughts that disagree with Xavier's holy word. Thoughts that I can't make myself say out loud, that I sometimes forget almost before they're completed, leaving me wondering what I was going to say. Suspicious changes of heart, like after I was so angry at him for treating Rogue like the enemy and then totally forgave him after she joined the team.  
  
Rght now, as Kitty looks like she's about to fall asleep on Rogue's shoulder (Rogue doesn't push her away, will wonders never cease) and Logan and Ororo are just on the other side of the door, these thoughts are coming amazingly clearly. But I'm starting to get scared, because not only are they clear, they make so much goddamn sense. I've buried my face in my hands, and they probably think that the fear I have is for our mentor. But it's for myself. For all of us.  
  
_Maybe it's just a coincidence.  
_  
I've tried to tell myself that for... how long? Almost a year now. _Just a coincidence, it's not true, I would know, he would never do anything like this, all my thoughts are my own, of course. It's not true._ I don't have to be forced to wonder how much of what I say is really me.  
  
Jean has started pacing the floor, and I wonder how she feels about all this. I wonder what it's going to be like for her next time she sees her precious Duncan and has to remind herself that he was one of the ones Xavier messed with? Oh, she's not going to stop seeing him. After all, she's able to face me, isn't she?  
  
I thought so many times about telling her what I was afraid of; maybe if someone else heard it too, it wouldn't seem to ridiculous by name. I could just say, I think someone's trying to fool with my mind --  
  
Screw that. The first thing out of her mouth would be, You should talk to the professor about it. And I don't even want to think about what'd happen if I told her why I couldn't do that. See, she really cares about him. And I used to think, _Oh, she cares about me more,_ but now that she's interested in Duncan, I'm not so sure. Now she's asking me if I'm okay. I say that I am, and I think that she knows I'm lying, but any kind of truth I told would be the understatement of the year.  
  
And if I told the whole truth, what would happen then? Either they won't believe me, or they will, and then he would easily find out. What I think -- what I know -- is happening to me... would I want to risk it happening to Rogue? Or Jean, the last person in the world I'd ever want to hurt? Or even Logan? Never. For better or for worse, they're my team, my family. I'm supposed to protect them, and I will, even if the only threat is the last person they thought they'd ever need protection from.  
  
Tonight, our secret (which I'm not sure anymore that I feel even a little okay about keeping) almost ended. And with it, the last of my doubts that Professor Xavier is controlling my mind.  
  
There, I said it. Or thought it, which is about to amount to the same thing. I can hide what I've realized for a little while longer. I can't tell myself that he'd never do something like this. What he did tonight is proof that he would.  
  
The door opens a little and Logan pokes his head out. He's gonna wake up, he grunts. Come on in.  
  
Oh, God, how can I face him now? It takes me a minute to realize that I've said this aloud.  
  
I know you feel bad about wanting to drop the cover-up, Jean says soothingly. But I'm sure he'll understand. You know now that he's right, don't you?  
  
I force a nod.  
  
The second Xavier's eyes meet mine, it's clear that he knows I know. And he's not going to let me say anything else except that he was right all along.  
  
I couldn't tell them now even if I wanted to.  
  
I can't make the words come.  
  
How come I never felt it happening before? Was I just not paying attention, or is he tired of being careful?  
  
Someone help me...  
  
And we're back under wraps, where we should be, I hear myself saying. I'm sorry, Professor. 


End file.
